Do clothes make the person?

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “The Clothes (May) Make the (Wo)man.”

I was that weird person in high school that would wear dresses and long skirts. I’d wear blouses and vests. I got dressed up for picture day. I met my partner while sitting in a field wearing a blouse and dress pants while waiting for movies in the park to start. He said I stood out from all the other students there. Yes, the weirdo in dress clothes at a very informal student event where every other person was in shorts and a tank top. I’m not sure that I prided myself in my looks or anything like that. I think at that point in life I was too uptight to relax, actually. However, I’ll admit that I did learn to feel pretty when I was in professional attire so I continued to wear mostly dress pants and nice blouses after having my first children. My husband would tease, a little, about how I’d get up and dress for work each day. I think because I never imagined having children, I never thought I’d find myself at home full time. I was keeping my identity of a professional woman alive.

However, we eventually decided that I was going to homeschool the children. Then we moved away from any professional work that I did partake in on occasion (I was an active member of a rape crisis and prevention centre and also a relatively active doula). We moved to a small town community. I had another baby and jeans and oversized sweaters became my clothing of choice. I only wore dress pants and handful of time and once it was to a funeral. I’d even occasionally don the traditional homeschooling outfit of a long denim skirt, but that was as far as my “dressing up” would go. We’d started to go frugal with clothes before we’d moved (and got some flack for that from people who felt we could do better), but at this point I started to only buy second hand clothing for the children and myself.

We’ve since moved even future away from from civilization. I have not purchased an article of clothing in the last two and a half years.  My mother and law gave me a bunch of stuff when they moved full time into an RV, but we aren’t the same size so I am virtually swimming in her pants and I’ve started to wear mostly my partner’s old t-shirts. There are days I don’t actually make it out of pyjamas.

I’m actually going back to school in the fall and want to reconnect with the professional woman I dreamed of becoming. I have thought quite a bit about how clothing gives me the feeling of being put together and I really want to go out and spend some money on myself, but then I think about my real life, dogs and messy (but happy) children, and it all seems pointless. It would get ruined or be covered in fluff all the time. That being said, I think that getting dressed in the morning, brushing up my hair and smiling would do a world of wonders for my mood. However, I don’t think that looking down at myself in new clothes covered in fur and paint would, so I sit here in my paint splattered shirt and jeans that are 3 sizes too big, wondering what happened to the person I was..

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Worry, It’s What I Do

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Land of Confusion.”

Oh, school. I didn’t really have trouble mastering the material in school or college/university. I’ve made the Dean’s List or Academic Honour Roll all through my career as a student. Always at the top of my class (besides my last year of high school when I sat out/missed as much class as I attended) . However, I spent incredible amounts of time feeling like I had no idea what I was doing. I was convinced I was going to fail classes. I had downright panic attacks if I had to give oral presentations in high school. When I started college I remember going to my counsellor at student’s services panicking that I didn’t know anything. I was a nursing student and I was convinced that could not do the science involved (organic chemistry and human anatomy). He brought me across the hallway to the learning centre, pulled out a science book, and started asking me questions. I answered them. By the next semester I had a paid position at the learning centre teaching those very subjects to new students. Yes, I worried a lot for now reason.

I’m starting university again after a very long break and I am already panicking about the classes that I haven’t even selected, yet. There is every possibility that I will master these classes as well, but I am expecting to spend a fair bit of the next two year apprehensive.

What I’d really like to learn this time around is how to believe in myself.

Crash and Burn

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Green-Eyed Lady.”

I admit it. I am jealous and sometimes it feels suffocating. I’ve left, for the most part, facebook, because I am jealous. I see families doing things together. I see Daddies hugging their little ones. I see people in love. I see people interacting with their friends and I get jealous. I’m so very tired of feeling so alone in life and I often wonder how I got here. So, I don’t really change things, I just do what I can to isolate myself even more so I don’t have to see other people’s lives rolling by. I know, realistically, that their lives are not what they share on facebook, but all I want are moments, mere moments of the connectedness they share.

So yeah, I’m jealous. I’m jealous of those who are living life – those who are connected.

It’s so odd. I happened to have a playlist (songs from 2000) playing on youtube while I was writing this post. This song was one of my favourites. I fell in love to it. How did I end up feeling so alone?

You Never Forget

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Forgive and Forget?.”

It happens that I have survived a number of unfair, cruel, and sometimes criminal acts. Forgiving and forgetting is utter nonsense. You don’t forget. You aren’t the same person you once were. As far as forgiveness goes, if that floats your boat then go for it. I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven those around me, but I will not forgive the perpetrator. I do have compassion and understanding, but not forgiveness. I’ve been changed. That isn’t easy to forget.

I guess all that being said, I wouldn’t be who I am without these events, and that isn’t bad. I’ve gained compassion. I’ve worked with a number of wonderful women. I’ve healed. It’s opened doors for me, but there’s still pain and there will always been pain, but I’ve accepted that this pain is a part of my life. There are still areas that need work as I often allow situations to progress beyond my comfort level as I don’t feel like I have a voice. I didn’t then, and it is hard to make that voice heard now. This is why I cannot forgive. The work does not stop because I have accepted what has happened. I’m not allowed to forget…..however, there are times where this feels like an excuse, so I keep pushing ahead and keep going.

When all is dark around me, forgiving and forgetting sounds good, but that’s not the way that life works.

I’d Prefer it That Way

If the world worked on a barter system, how would you fare? Would you have services to barter? Would you be successful, or would you struggle? – Barter System

I hate money. I really, really do, so I would likely thrive on a barter system.

As far as skills go, well…

  • I could sit with your while you had your baby and then clean up your place and serve you a nice meal.
  • I could make you soap. For a second I was like, well, there’s only so much soap a person needs, but really, if you couldn’t buy soap, there aren’t that many people that know what they are doing that could make you some.
  • I could knit you a hat or a pair of mitts.
  • I could sew you an apron.
  • I could teach your children.
  • I could weed your garden.
  • I could grow vegetables (sometimes).
  • If you give me milk, I could make you cheese (I’m not getting a cow, though).
  • I could bake you a cake.

Between my husband (who can help you with your bigger needs) and myself we would probably be alright.

……..so where do I sign up?

Friday’s Fave Five – April 24th, 2015

Screen Shot 2014-04-04 at 12.22.48 PMI guess I have not been around very much this past week. The prompts from The Daily Post have not been terribly inspiring and I’ve been busy with homeschooling the kids and whatnot. It’s always nice to check in and share 5 highlights of my week, though. If you would like to share some of yours, please visit Living to Tell the Story.

1. Making some changes to our homeschool again. We tried to love Easy Peasy All in One Homeschooling, but it just wasn’t for us. Rather there are parts we love and parts we don’t. So we have switched back to a couple of the subjects that we were doing before we started Easy Peasy and we are changing things up a bit within the program. The last couple of days have been much more enjoyable. Liam and I are reading The Jungle Book and that has been fun. I’ve moved Morgaine up a level in science and we’ve switched her math around again (she’s all over the place in her abilities in that one). We will have to homeschool through summer again. I’d set out with the plan to get a lot covered this year and take a good month long break (entirely), but I am not sure that is going to happen. I cannot believe that it getting close to the end of the school year again. It seems like it just started.

2. Selling enough curriculum that I could purchase a second hand instructor’s guide for Core F in Sonlight. I’ve been eyeing it since we started homeschooling, but I could never afford the whole thing. My son is (almost) getting old for it, but I think it will still be good with some add ons for him. I know the girlie will like it. They always tell me how much they miss the days when we were doing Sonlight.

3. A soap making success. While this soap will not be up for sale (as it is virtually impossible to recreate) it was fun to do. I turned a soap that was unpleasant to use (too much coffee on top thanks to my husband’s desire to help) into one that the children love. They are calling it my marshmallow soap.

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4. Making some potentially life changing decisions and feeling mostly good about it. There are moments, though, we I go “what on earth was I thinking?”, but I think it will be okay. I don’t intend to say more than that for now as there is a fair bit of stuff to work out yet. I’ve taken all the first steps, though.

5. Throwing out, selling, and donating stuff. I am tired of living with clutter and since I am the one that cleans I’ve made the executive decision to work with the kids to cut way down on the amount of stuff that is around. Considering that they are either doing school work, playing on electronic gadgets or outside there really isn’t a need for all the extra stuff they have. Obviously there’s stuff they love so we are going slow with it, but I do think that we will at least get rid of some stuff. I want to organize a proper homeschooling room with all our resources as we have so much neat stuff, but beyond that, we are letting go, baby.

Just Underneath

For the writing prompt – Four Stars.

Just Underneath follows the story of a young woman from some of of her earliest memories to the day that a life changing decision must be made. Looking into the depths of her soul, she seeks to find what is hidden just underneath. Through a series of flashbacks you’ll be transported on a journey – one of love, pain, loss – and one of hope.

This novel, written with grace and an eloquence that isn’t easily match, will have you questioning everything you know about life, love and loyalty. Is there a point that you’ve given so much away that there is no turning back? What are the bonds that tie? What will you find when you look just below the surface?

Whilw book ends without closure, I highly recommend it.  With a cast of characters you’ll love to hate and those that will leave you begging for more, this story will draw you in and hold you. One moment you’ll love the main character, the next you’ll hate her. Things that seems perfectly obvious to you will not seem clear to her – You might think you know what lies just underneath. The question is, does she?