Flying Solo

Well, I was going to write a post about how laid back everything is now that the kids and I are flying solo for a while. The ability to study whatever we want, the dancing ourselves silly after supper, the lounging on the bed chatting before sleep, the early bedtimes, the playing with our food, my ability to keep the housework under better control. The deal is, though, that this will be one of those Real Life posts instead.

In real life, we probably could do all these things, at least some of the time. My husband is pretty laid back for the most part. It is me who has issues. I get paralyzed by the feeling that I’m not doing enough, that my kids aren’t learning enough, that my kids are too hyper, misbehaved, whatever. Then as soon as someone (AKA as my husband) walks into the house, I get all defensive, even though he isn’t saying anything about the kids or the house or anything else. If anything, he is the one telling me to slow down and just be. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to feel that people think I am perfectly okay and am doing good enough (and sometimes even better than good). Why do I feel incapable of action in my day to day life? Why is it easier with just my kids? And the main question, HOW DO I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE AROUND OTHERS?

I could probably sing talk to the kids if  I wanted to, but around others I feel silly.

My husband could probably deal with the impromptu dance parties.

No one really cares about my house except me.

I could just be silly and authentic.

It would completely change our whole relationship. I wouldn’t need to feel denfensive for nothing. I could just keep going on with my day knowing that my husband doesn’t see the same things that I’m beating myself up over.

Why, oh why, is it so hard, and is it what I want to show my kids?

(I suppose now is as good of a time as any to do some emotional work, eh….journaling anyone?)

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