If you’re a friend of mine on facebook page or if you’ve stopped by this sadly neglected blog, then you probably know that I’ve had my fair share of medical mysteries (and misery) this summer. I’ve felt pretty alone trying to keep everything afloat while feeling under the weather, weak and in pain. As it has been so hard to keep up, I’ve noticed myself falling farther and farther behind because the motivation to catch up has been lacking. Depression runs in my family and I’ve always said that my bout of misery with that as a teen was due to circumstances and not a biochemical thing as I’ve never had issues that deep since my life turned around when I met my husband. That being said, my natural state of being is to fall into not caring and giving up when things get challenging.
While I wouldn’t say that there is anything terrible going on in our lives right now it has been a stressful summer. We’ve been applying on grants to get repairs on our house since last November. We expected to work to be done by now, yet there is more and more red tape. Repairs that we could have completed ourselves (to make the summer much more tolerable) we’re put off because they would make us ineligible for the grants. Windows that were purchased last summer could have been installed but we’d need to change the window sizes in some rooms and we are not “allowed” to. So we’ve sat in a sauna like house all summer because we do not have many windows that open. I’ve been ill. If not with swelling, pain, and severe fatigue, than with neuralgia pain and because Mike is so busy the house falls into shambles (or something resembling them) and I’m still nearly solely responsible for the children and their education (which will laid back still needs some Mum involvement). I never listen my body and keep trying to do more, more, more. I’m never in bed before midnight because the evening is when I can get work done and them Mike wants me to spend some time with him, too.
Well, we will say that in the last two weeks, I’ve reach a bit of a breaking point. I’ve spent far too much time yelling at the children, letting the dishes pile up (and then despairing over the state of the house), sitting around on facebook and generally feeling pretty hopeless about everything (like really hopeless). Something has to change so I’ve decided that I need to take the time to get up and take care of me! So, starting yesterday, I greatly limited the amount of time I spend on facebook, pulled my hair back, got the kids set up on projects and scrubbed my house.It’s better than despairing over the state of it, right? There’s something immensely and immediately satisfying about starting a job and getting it finished and sweeping always gives me a sense of moving energy around and out (yes, witchy perhaps…but it’s just about moving out the energy that has gone stale and sour). I also made sure to take many breaks to sip on a super nourishing curried bone broth soup I’d prepared the night before. While I didn’t actually go to bed any earlier than normal, I cuddled up on the couch to watch a movie instead of thinking about all the things I didn’t get accomplished. I dedicated all my energy to being in one spot and not all over the place and that’s a step in the right direction. I kept the focus on the simple things again today and played outside in sun showers with my children. It felt good to not feel tense and resentful and to just be.
There’s still a lot of work to be done but I have no doubt that part of my health issues are a cry out for me to stop and listen. There’s something missing in my life right now and as I work towards finding it I hope that I’ll be able to come back and be more present with my family in the here and now. As I sit here this evening, my abdomen is distending rapidly as I type (I knew it was coming and knew I had to get started on taking care of me before it reached it’s worst for the month). It is an unusual feeling (and still rather scary).I know that for the next week or so I’ll likely be unable to do all that I want to accomplish as I end up feeling quite weak and out of breath. My goal is to take things day by day and listen to my body and do exactly what I need to do despite my desire to go, go, go all the time. I’ll remain away from facebook for a while still as it really does very little for my mood. I want to sit and read. I want to cuddle with little children. I want to sleep when I am tired. I want to be still. My body will not have to wreck havoc to let me know that things have to change.
(I’ll likely be writing here a bit but it is bound to be long and rambling (and perhaps on the personal side…I have no idea) so read at your own discretion….writing has always been healing for me and I’m feeling the desire to sit down and see what flows forth).